A Westeros Guide To Online Dating, And Matching DNA
Jon Snow and Daenerys are so in love and so related.
Allow me to tell you about Kin-Der, an app for Game of Thrones fans tired of jousting for commitment.
Inspired by Thrones and marriages of world leaders, Kin-Der quadruples your mating odds by locating hotties within your own bloodline. Just like Tsar Nicholas II and Alexandra (real-life distant cousins), you too can share similar values with a lifelong flame.
Powerful people in history have often hooked up with their own, but GoT put the “nasty” in dynasty. Before Daenerys went mad and incinerated King’s Landing, she and Jon Snow (her nephew) were a genetic ballet, their intertwined naked physiques like a thrusting Rodin masterpiece. After the defeat of the White Walkers, nothing would have been steamier than the Ward in the North and the Dragon Queen regularly getting freaky in co-rule.
Alas, I myself yearn to find an eligible prince, even after two decades of dating strangers from the internet. I have been lied to on Bumble, scorned on OKCupid and supplied with enough engorged codpiece pics to render myself a faceless assassin. Flirty texts make me more exhausted than deciphering the statements of Rudy Giuliani, who might have been president had he stayed with his first wife (his second cousin). At this point, I wouldn’t mind meeting a third cousin, who might be nicer to me than a perpetual bachelor.
For jaded singletons like me, Kin-Der offers loyalty: a partner who pats the empty space between you and him on a worn sofa. “Why look for love?” this cute cuz implores in real life. With recognizable warmth, he leans closer and purrs, “It’s all in the family.”
Perhaps you’ve spied a certain cutie-pie at the family reunion dessert table, a forbidden sugar bun with a commanding walk and bedroom eyes who radiates the same je nais se quois you see in your own reflection. Kin-Der can help with peer-reviewed questions to break the ice. Tired of salivating into vials and waiting for results from those pesky family tree companies? With our tamper-resistant wrist monitors—available in neoprene or gluten-free Valyrian steel—you can sample pheromones in your perspiration and immediately link stats to long-lost folks via our website.
If you swipe left, remember ancestors are like divine grace. You must keep trying. Queen Elizabeth II may have considered a few frogs before uniting with her second cousin once removed. If you both swipe right, your “New Deal” can be as powerful as FDR’s marriage to Eleanor (his fifth cousin once removed) or as sweet as a fireside chat with Daisy (his sixth cousin and very special Hyde Park friend).
Before becoming a Misses or Mistress Roosevelt, try wearing Kin-Der’s virtual reality goggles that guide you through common domestic scenarios like taking out the garbage. Unlike Jacob in the Bible—who labored 14 years before marrying his cousin, Rachel—this visual device removes the veil of first impressions. Even if infatuation courses through your body, virtual reality can override hormonal decisions by forecasting future squabbles leading to: (a.) slammed doors and squabbling houses or (b.) tender lovemaking with actual orgasms.
Kin-Der is never inappropriate or illegal. Because 25 states do not recognize first cousin amour—and such unions may even be a felony—Kin-Der established strict features to ensure lawful connections.
We prohibit pairings between siblings, such as the romance between Queen Cersei and Jaime Lannister (twins). Seriously—yuck! Should our technology detect a 20 percent attraction to a first cousin, our heat-sensing bracelet will ignite an electric shock warning to your retinas. If the relative is under the age of 18 and within two feet of your location, our surveillance cameras will snap your photo and post your likeness on major social media channels. Our global Twitter trolls will leak your address to fake news sites with the hashtag of #winteriscomingforhouse[insert your last name].
Kin-Der is a wholesome operation, but for your safety, we recommend public places for early encounters, especially if you have the same last name—like Targaryen—for example.
Note: I could not sell this piece. It is satire, not true.